Without the gospel, we would use even the people closest to us for selfish purposes; "even our good relationships... become a prime breeding ground for anger and frustration, lust and violence and even idolatry." I reckon that most of the time, the reason people leave jobs and churches or even the faith is because of relating to another person. Indeed I recognise that I am not much different from the corrupt tax collectors who "love those who love them" (Matt. 5:46; cf. Luke 6:32). I don't think I even desire to love with an other-centered love, yet that is what Christ calls me to. Sure it will help if there are godly people around me who model how to do that...
From pages 56-58 of Breaking the Idols of Your Heart
When we are honest, we realize that even our good relationships cant fulfill our needs for intimacy. Other people let us down. They use us, as the Teacher recognized in Ecclesiastes 5: 11: "The more you have, the more people come to help you spend it." And we do the same thing to them. If we take a close look at ourselves, we realize we can't fulfill the needs of others. So our relationships become a prime breeding ground for anger and frustration, lust and violence and even idolatry...
When we sinners come together in relationship, the problems intensify; they don't go away. We feel not only the frustration created by the inadequacy of another person but also the guilt of our failures as a spouse, a relative or a friend.
Perhaps no other area in our life raises more questions than our relationships. Perhaps no other area in our life causes more anger, jealousy, disappointment and stress than other people. The Teacher, though he had positive things to say about relationships, recognized this frustration:
"This is my conclusion," says the Teacher. "I discovered this after looking at the matter from every possible angle. Though I have searched repeatedly, I have not found what I was looking for. Only one out of every thousand men is virtuous, but not one woman! But I did find this: God created people to be virtuous, but they have each turned to follow their own downward path." (Ecclesiastes 7:27-29)
Don't be distracted by the Teacher's attitude toward women here. His words are not meant to be a definite statement of what is right. They are being quoted by the second wise man, who uses them as an example to teach his son. Remember, too, that the Teacher reflects life under the sun and that he prizes men only a tad better than women. If the Teacher were a woman, she would probably say the same thing about men.
The main point is that relationships are unsatisfactory. And even when they are good, as the Teacher ruthlessly points out, they all end in death: "Whatever they did in their lifetime—loving, hating, envying—is all long gone. They no longer play a part in anything here on earth" (Ecclesiastes 9:6).
Our under-the-sun relationships can't supply us with ultimate meaning or purpose in life. Disappointments, rejections, betrayals, bereavements make this clear.
So what do we do? Should we adopt the devil-may-care attitude to which the Teacher resigns himself? "So go ahead. Eat your food with joy, and drink your wine with a happy heart, for God approves of this! Wear fine clothes, with a splash of cologne!" (Ecclesiastes 9:7). Or is there something more? Can we move from relational frustration under the sun to something better above the sun?
The answer is yes. But to understand how this works, we have to look beyond the Teachers cynical proclamations or even the wise mans admonition to obey God's commands. We have to look to the gospel—and the amazing love of God himself.
Why is it so hard to live in love and intimacy with God and others? The Bibles answer to that question is that deep down we love only ourselves. Love of self conflicts with loving another person. We want to be loved, but it hard to give love to another unless we get something in return. Indeed often give only as a way of filling our own needs. How often have we withdrawn from people to whom we have been close because we were getting nothing out of a relationship. How often have we wanted to be with another person because that person was making us feel good and was serving our own needs?
That kind of selfish love comes naturally to us. Its the ultimate source of the lust and violence that afflicts our relationships. But there's another to live and to love, as the apostle Paul points out in the thirteenth Chapter of 1 Corinthians. We often think of this chapter in the context of marriage, and indeed it is appropriately applied in that most intimate of human relationships. But Paul is really talking about attitudes and actions that should characterize all healthy loving relationships.
After asserting the importance of this alternative kind of love (1 Corinthians 12:31—13:3), Paul describes a heart that loves with passion and depth. First, the apostle tells us that love is patient and kind. It waits for the other, and it does so with concern, not irritability. It waits. It hopes. It loves beauty and justice and does not give in to the petty pleasure of seeing the one who hurt us stumble. Love is the Atlas of the soul; it keeps holding us up. It does not quit; it does not lose the memory of connection; it does not kill the dreams of reconciliation.
On the other hand, love wants nothing to do with jealousy or pride, which seek their own good at the expense of the other Instead, love cares for the other, not for the self. Love does not keep accounts, weighing the advantages of a particular relationship. It is not based on what we can get out of a connection, but on what we can put into it. Instead it sacrifices safety ("I wont let myself be hurt again") and deals a death blow to self-righteousness (After all I've done for them, I deserve better"). Love seeks the good of the other without denying the hunger of our heart or demanding that desire be satisfied.
It is this high call to other-centered love that strips us of any pretense that we love well.
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