Review: Givers, Takers & Other Kinds of Lovers

Givers, Takers & Other Kinds of Lovers by Josh McDowell
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

One would assume that a book so dated would not be relevant to 2015. I was sincerely surprised to find how a book written 35 years would speak to us today? I've read Joshua Harris' best selling I've kissed dating goodbye, but it seemed to speak to a different kind of audience. McDowell and Lewis speak authentically and loving, and the postmodern Christian thinkers of today appreciate that. The how-to books of today, just simply do not cut it.

A pity it has gone out of print, but you still can use bookfinder.com to grab a second hand copy!

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Thomas on choosing your children's father/mother

This really got me thinking, do I want my kids to be like in future? That made me do some serious reflection on how I am living my life now. Do I want them to inherit my laziness, messiness or procrastination? It is reality hitting me really hard when I realise that I really have to impart character to my children, and I definitely cannot pass on something that I do not have.

In two days I built a shelf to rehouse all the clutter in my room, cleaned the other bookshelves and posted unwanted books for sale on carousell. Now to start wrapping up the other 20 or so brand new books and put them on the to-read shelf. And to build another shelf so as to move all my inventory for my business into my room in a more space efficient manner.



From Pages 126-127 of: The Sacred Search

"If three people applied to babysit my kids, the mere fact that they all wanted a job wouldn’t be what I based my choice on. I’d hire the babysitter who seemed most stable, safe, qualified, and competent. That’s not being selfish or judgmental; it’s being wise, responsible, and protective of my kids.

You get to start protecting your kids before they’re even born. Give them a godly mom or dad. Even better, raise them in a godly family with lots of spiritual support. Most young people completely discount this. I think it should be much more of a factor in your final decision than many people make it.

If the person you love knows you’re a Christian and says he or she’s a Christian too, that means almost nothing. In one sense, it means a lot, in that if they categorically say they’re not a believer, you have no business marrying them. However, I hope you want more than just someone who simply says he or she’s a Christian. Consider marrying a certain kind of Christian, one with a humble spirituality."

Seeking covenental feedback when you are "in love"

To this insightful piece of advice, I would just like that to add that beyond seeking the feedback from covenantal friends, trusted mentors who you know have your best interests at heart will be great check to our fuzzy judgment when we are "in love."

A feedback base to see reality (From Page 178-179 of): Boundaries in Dating

Being "in love," in the beginning of a relationship, is an illness. It is treatable, but it is an illness nevertheless. The illness is the inability to see reality. For the very state of "being in love" is a state of idealization, where the other person is not really viewed through the eyes of reality. He or she is mostly seen through the eyes of someone's own wishes or fantasies that the other person is able to symbolize...

The problem is that if the idealizations are strong enough, and the person's need for them to be true are strong enough, then he or she can omit large chunks of reality about the person he is in love with. This is why staying connected to a group of friends who know you well is so important. Your friends and often family can see things about your new love that you will not be able to see. And you should trust them. Unless there is something wrong in your relationships with them, or they are particularly dysfunctional, they will not be looking through the eyes of idealization and need and will see the person more clearly. Have you ever wondered how some people that you know and love were able to pick the difficult, or sometimes awful person that they are with? Do you think the prince just one day turned into a frog? Most times not. The frog was always a frog, even if he was dressed up like a prince in courtship. But the princess was looking through the eyes of idealization or denial. Borrow your friends' vision. You might need it.

Also, they know you, and they know what is important to you. They can see if you are becoming someone other than yourself. They know who you are and will be able to see if you are growing into more of who God created you to be.

Fast and furious dating poses the danger of a marriage tragedy

Source: Page 163 of Boundaries in Dating

To make a hasty, impassioned, or reactive decision can be disastrous. All things being equal, a bad marriage is probably more painful than a bad single state. Why? Because in a bad marriage, the structure of intimacy is in place, but it does not have the heart of intimacy. Two people live their lives together-intertwined by being in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, and raising the same children-yet emotionally they live alone. Living alone within the marriage contract makes the disconnection feelings so acute that many people leave the marriage. With such serious factors at stake, is it worth to take ample time to get to know someone.

Is it wise to date a person you aren't even friends with?

Romance is great. Sexuality is great. Attraction is great. But here is the key: if all of those are not built upon lasting friendship and respect for the person's character, something is wrong...

If you do not allow yourself to rush into falling for someone that you have not become friends with first, you will be more sure when you let yourself go to the next step. Certainly you might find yourself having all sorts of feelings. Enjoy them. But do not believe them. Only believe your experience of getting to know a person and seeing if you can share at a deep level. See if you find that he or she is a person is a person of the kind of character you would trust as a friend. And as important as all that, see if that person is a person that you would like spending time with if there were no romance at all.


Source: Page 118-9 of Boundaries in Dating

Dating is not the place for Evangelism or Rehabilitation!

Dating is not a place for you to rehabilitate people. Rehabilitation should occur in that person's counselling, recovery, discipleship, or some other context. For one thing, dating can become serious when your heart gets involved, and it may even lead to marriage.

Source: Page 44 of 

Boundaries in Dating

Reading the husband like a book!

A beautiful anecdote from:
Sacred Marriage

The wife of a couple we know decided to get her husband some golf clubs for his birthday. She went to a store and told the owner, “Here’s the money for a set of clubs. My husband and I will come in here tomorrow night. He’ll look over these clubs, then walk over to talk to me about it, then go back to the clubs and touch the ones he decides are the best option. At that point, I want you to walk up to him and say, ‘Your wife already paid for these yesterday. Happy Birthday.’”

The clerk was surprised and a little suspicious, but he agreed to the plan.

The next day, our friend took her husband to a restaurant next door to the golf shop. After dinner, the husband (as predicted) pointed to the shop and said, “You mind if we just stop in there?”

“Not at all,” the wife said.

The husband walked through the shop and settled on two sets of clubs. He then walked back to his wife and conferred with her about them, then returned to the clubs and touched the set he thought would be best. The owner came up and went through his spiel.